Life is not Fair, right?

 

Life is not fair, right?

When I was in grade school my life had no strong foundation with major changes happening every year or so. When I turned 12 my Mother did something that gave me the beginnings of a foundation, we went back to church. The youth I encountered there were a rare group that pulled me and made me one of their own. The more obnoxious I was the more they seemed to bring me in closer. Eventually I began to try and understand what made them do the things the way they did. I found it was that they lived their religious belief. I spent time learning about the doctrine and then when I had a foundation I started looking for divine confirmation of its truth. That confirmation came and has stayed with me since those days with a continuing increase of things that deepened my belief.   

As I got closer to graduation I started to realize all my friends had something I did not have, a strong family. I had my Mother and was starting to be grateful for my Step Father, however with a lack of stability I had already made a lot of mistakes in my life and was continuing to do so.

I went through a time where it seemed all I said was why me? That went on for a few years. It kind of morphed into wanting to go back in time and change things so that I would be in a better place currently. I would hear life’s not fair all the time and I accepted that.

Then one night I came home from work worn out and went in to watch the kids sleep, why is it no one tells you how rewarding that will be when you’re

younger? I came out of their rooms and realized how great my life was. All the alternate lives I had dreamed about when I fantasized about going back and fixing something in the past had one thing in common; no guarantee that I would have the wife and kids I had, and how great they are.

I continue to try and understand what we are supposed to learn from our lives. I believe our spirits existed before this physical life. I also believe we had agency about what family we would belong to. I was watching a person talking about a near death experience. She talked about life before earth, and having been given a choice about life here on earth. She went into much greater detail than just here is where you’re going, take it or leave it. She said it was like doing a work sheet, she was asked for input on what she wanted and a plan was worked up and she agreed on that plan. It had the ring of truth when I heard it. I’m not completely convinced it’s true but it does answer a question I seem to have stopped asking about the time I watched my kids sleep, why me? Because it’s what I asked for with my worksheet.

I’ve noticed how things seem to come back around. Not always the same but close enough that I wonder if I didn’t learn everything I was supposed to the last time around.

This time it’s not why me, but why them. I have friends who are struggling with life threatening diseases and I feel a little guilty that I have it so good. I am now trying to understand why I can be so comfortable and even thankful with anything that life throws at me and at the same time wondering why God does not answer my prayers to do more for my friends. I am not convinced I’m going to understand this one in this life.